Why my cartoons kick your cartoons ass [09/11/2007]     I don't know about kids today, but back in my day, cartoon characters went around killing ninjas, terrorists and giant robots. So this is my post to tell you how much my cartoons just kick the shit out of cartoons today.    Exhibit A - April O' Neil        Not only was she a fox, she hung around in a sewer with giant mutated animals and a rat. And isn't that the dream wife of every child?      Exhibit B - Grimlock        Grimlock here falls into the "giant robot" category for today, a category that i would like to see more of. You see, Grimlock combines my 3 favorite things, Dinosaurs, Robots and Killing Things.      Exhibit C - Optimus Prime        You know, they don't really make good names for characters these days. I don't think there is a better name for anything, anywhere than Optimus Prime. You see, Optimus is latin for Awesome and Prime is latin for number one at everything. You could challenge Optimus Prime to anything and he would kick your ass at it. Basketball? He'll kick your ass. Grand Turismo on playstation 1? He'll kick your ass. Home cookery? Fucking forget about it.      Exhibit D - Cheetara        Seriously. The guy who drew Cheetara must have had like a boner 24/7.        I mean come on.      Exhibit E - He-man        Not only does he have 2 variations of the word MALE in his name, he wears nothing but underpants and boots. He has long blond hair, a metal chest thing and no girlfriend of which to speak. And I respect that.      Exhibit F - Nemesis Enforcer        If there is some sort of holy stone carved with all the kickass names in the universe, Nemesis Enforcer comes 2nd after Optimus Prime. I actually have a slight erection after writing both those names in one sentence.      So... lets take a look at your childhood heros then shall we kids?    Exhibit A - Pikachu        Pikachu is a sort of yellow groundhog that can shoot electricity. He spents his days as some sort of slave pet, only to be fought, cock-fighting style, against other slave pets so that he can live to see another day. The equivalent in real life would be like yelling "ROTWEILER! I CHOOSE YOU!" and then throwing your rotweiler into your neighbor's car as he's driving to work.    Exhibit B - Yu-Gi-Oh        You see, Yugi's special power is getting your mum to pay $9.95 for a packet 8 playing cards so you can re-enact the TV show at home. Only, Yugi doesn't have to pay $9.95 for each freakin card he finds now does he? No. So why do you? COZ YOU'RE A CHUMP. From the 4 episodes I've seen, he seems to just put the beat down on anyone he wants cards off. Which is what you should be doing.    the end.          - FUN FACT! - absolutely no research went into writing this post   Go back to main page...     All content on this site is copyright of me, 2006 to whenever. If you like this, email me, or head on down to www.thevulpine.com.au to listen to my band!